


was i ever more

by simpleshirota



Category: Servamp (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, but he helps kuro feel better, hes struggling with a lot of insecurities and emotions, i needed to write this tho ahahaha, kuro is kinda negative, mahiru gets upset, mood LMAO, this is probably ooc i honestly can't tell anymore
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 11:15:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15728280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simpleshirota/pseuds/simpleshirota
Summary: “I don’t say the things I say to you just because you’re another person in my life that I want to be kind to because it’s ‘in my nature’, Kuro!You’re important to me!”Those words seem to echo, repeating themselves in Kuro's mind until they reach his heart.





	was i ever more

It happened rather unexpectedly, and Kuro doesn't exactly know why, but now it feels like he can't stop himself from voicing thoughts he'd promised to keep to himself.

“I just don't think I’m worth much. It’s not a big deal, Mahiru… who cares?”

“I care.”

Mahiru’s voice is quiet, but Kuro can sense that he’s upset. He feels it in the air around them as they stand in the kitchen, having just finished cleaning up after dinner. Nevertheless, Kuro ignores this and presses on.

“What a pain… I don't know why you say things like that. There's nothing that great about me, Mahiru. I just annoy you most of the time, I know. I'm a burden, aren't I? Not worth anyone’s time… so troublesome…”

He wishes he could stop himself from saying such negative things about himself. He's been venting like this for some time now, rambling on and doubting his own worth. _How long has it been?_ Several minutes, he's sure. Mahiru has remained almost completely silent the whole time, though Kuro notes the change in his mood.

_Do I really believe this about myself, though? Do I really believe that Mahiru thinks this about me?_

_Not entirely._

Of course, Mahiru’s support over the duration of their contract has helped to improve his self-esteem, but it can't completely free him from feelings of self-hatred that still linger within him.

“I said I care, Kuro.”

“I'm not worth it, Mahiru. You only say that because it's in your nature to be kind like that, don't you? Sometimes I wish you'd realize already that I'm a bother to deal with and that you'd probably be better off without-”

“Stop it, Kuro.”

He's completely caught off guard when Mahiru suddenly grabs hold of his jacket, gripping it tightly in his fists.

_“I said stop it, Kuro!”_

And Kuro is unable to do anything but stand in silence and shock as Mahiru glares up at him, clear indignation written all over the Eve’s face.

“Do you really think you annoy me?! _Do you really think that?!”_

Kuro flinches at the force of Mahiru’s words, but he doesn't dare to move or speak.

“Would I have willingly stayed as your Eve if I couldn't tolerate you?! Would I bother to make the effort that I do with you if I didn't actually care?! _Listen to yourself, what the hell ever made you think all of this?! You can't believe this! You have no reason to believe this, after everything we’ve been through!_ Do you think it’s ever crossed my mind that I'd be fine without you in my life?! I-,” he stammers then and his voice wavers and his eyes hold the slightest bit of _fear_ , “I can't live without you and you know that! Kuro, when I tell you that you're important to me and that you matter so much me… do you think it’s just words?”

He's raised his voice and his frustration is evident, yet Mahiru’s last sentence is spoken with a trace of _hurt_ and his expression saddens slightly. In an instant though, Mahiru frowns again and his look of irritation returns.

“I don’t say the things I say to you just because you’re another person in my life that I want to be kind to because it’s ‘in my nature’, Kuro! _You’re important to me!”_

Those words seem to echo, repeating themselves in Kuro’s mind until they reach his heart.

“Do you ever stop to _**think**_?!”

Despite the Eve’s effort to somewhat keep his composure, Kuro is aware of just how much Mahiru is shaking and how uneven his breathing is. He feels guilty for causing such a reaction in his Eve and feels an urgent need to do something to calm him down, though Mahiru is speaking again before he can.

_“I mean everything I've ever said to you!”_

The silence that follows Mahiru’s statement is tense, and Kuro immediately feels regret. Mahiru is still trembling, his eyes narrowed and Kuro’s jacket still clenched in his hands.

“I'm… sorry, Mahiru.”

Mahiru’s eyes lose some of their anger when he hears the apology, and he sighs wearily. He slowly moves to wrap his arms around Kuro, and after a moment, the vampire reciprocates. They’re both quiet and Kuro notices how Mahiru’s breathing gradually evens out the longer he holds him.

“I don’t know… I just… I just wanna be loved,” Kuro finds himself admitting softly as the atmosphere around them eases.

“Hey, Kuro?”

There's a pause and Kuro feels Mahiru tighten his hold around him slightly.

“I love you. I love you, I really do.”

His words are honest, Kuro knows. He raises a hand to comb through Mahiru’s hair, hoping that the action will soothe his Eve.

“I know you mean what you say to me, Mahiru. I trust you. It's just… hard for me to believe sometimes because…” Kuro hesitates, searching for the right words. He sighs heavily before continuing, “Ah, what a pain… I'm not entirely sure why but, I guess I sometimes still have trouble with these kinds of things. I don't… fully believe everything I said before, but these things still bother me… often. I'm sorry if I made you worry.”

Mahiru pulls away from their embrace and looks up at his partner. Kuro meets his gaze, and he’s relieved to see that Mahiru is calmer now, brown eyes soft with empathy.

“Kuro… _please talk to me._ If you're upset or unsure about something, I want to help you,” Mahiru says, his voice carrying so much genuine emotion. “Don’t bottle up these feelings. Talk to me more. I care so much about you, I promise. I'm willing to remind you of that as many times as I need to.”

Mahiru pauses, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. His brows are furrowed, though his expression does not indicate that he’s upset anymore. Instead, he appears thoughtful and solemn.

“You know, I want you to be able to love yourself. I know… you've been doing better lately. You're improving in so many ways and I'm proud of you, Kuro. And it’s okay to still feel the way you do. It’s normal. But I want you to carefully think about the things I’ve told you when that happens. I want you to consider the meaning behind my words, and I want you to trust in my words. Because... I really mean what I say to you.”

Mahiru reaches for Kuro’s hands and intertwines their fingers easily. He smiles gently, a kind look in his eyes.

“So, Kuro, I'm telling you… _please remember that you mean a lot to me and nothing will ever change that._ ”

**Author's Note:**

> all i do is vent write aaah,, its a way for me to cope with a lot of stuff but im sorry if its annoying. this fic wasn't written very well and im sorry about that. anyways ive been feeling a bit more motivated to write lately,, i have plans and am working on a couple of fics rn so !! i hope to be able to write better stuff in the near future <3
> 
> https://simpleshirota.tumblr.com


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